At Donna Cabonna's Office, Raven is sitting at her desk sipping from a mug which reads "Tiffany", as Donna approaches her.
DONNA
Raven, terrible news! I just lost my assistant. Tiffany called in sick!
RAVEN
(examines her mug) Tiffany? This Tiffany?
DONNA
Yeah, she came down with some type of...horrible lip fungus!
Raven gags as Donna begins pacing.
DONNA [CONT'D]
Seriously, I mean, how can she get sick the same week I'm launching my new line of boys clothing? Everything happens to me!
RAVEN
So, you need someone to step in and help you, don't you?
DONNA
Yes!
RAVEN
Yeah, I bet you do.
DONNA
But who? (Raven shrugs) I mean, I'm planning this huge photoshoot in Boston, Raven, and I need someone who's...organized! I need someone who is tireless. I need someone who is prepared to jump through hoops for me! (all this while Raven has been miming Donna's requirements) Oh, Raven, please, I'm trying to think!
RAVEN
OK, well you can pick me while you think, I'm here!
DONNA
(gasps) Raven, Raven. I have a fabulous idea. How would you like to be my assistant for the trip?
Raven screams so loudly that is breaks Tiffany's mug.
RAVEN
My bad.
***
OPENING CREDITS
starring RAVEN
ORLANDO BROWN
KYLE MASSEY
ANNELIESE VAN DER POL
and RONDELL SHERIDEN
"THAT'S SO RAVEN"
***
Donna is pacing, while Raven takes notes.
DONNA
So. I need you to set up the photo-shoot at the Tipton hotel.
RAVEN
Tipton, right.
DONNA
And this is the most important thing.
RAVEN
OK.
DONNA
I got Pistache to agree to do the shoot.
RAVEN (over excited)
Pistache? You mean the world-famous fashion photographer? SHUT UP! She hasn't been seen in years.
DONNA
Yeah, well, I had to beg her to come out of seclusion. I need the best in the world for this campaign to be a success.
RAVEN
Yes, you do, Miss Donna, and I am righ by your side. (a whisper) I am right by your side.
DONNA
Good. Now, I need you to put all the details into this Secretec.
Donna holds out in her hand a small device that resembles a small mobile phone or gaming device. Raven looks up from her notes in shock.
RAVEN (startled, looking up)
Turkey neck? What'd you say?
DONNA
Raven?
RAVEN (nervously)
Ah-ha?
DONNA
You do know how to use a Secretec, don't you?
Raven takes the device from Donna and examines it quickly. She looks back at Donna nervously.
RAVEN (obviously lying)
Yes, I do.
DONNA
Good. Because, you see, this little device, is going to be the nerve centre for our entire trip. Now get started.
Donna points at Raven hopefully and walks off into her office.
RAVEN (calling after Donna)
Thank you, Miss Donna, yes, and I am all over it. Thank you for the opportunity. This is great. This is great...
By now, Raven has put down her notepad and is suspiciously looking down at the Secretec in her hand. She is looking around for a button to turn it on...
RAVEN
...How do you turn this thing on...?
Raven hits the side of the device a few times and it boots up with a mechanical sound, as a small screen slides up.
RAVEN (shocked)
Oh!
***
At the Baxter Residence, Eddie and Chelsea are over helping Cory and Victor clean out the attic. Chelsea is down in the living room unpacking a couple of boxes that are rested on the couch, while the boys are close behind her coming down with some other boxes.
VICTOR
Hey guys, thanks a lot for helping me clean out the attic.
Chelsea finds a paddleball in a box and takes it out, and starts stretching the rope as she works out how to use it.
CHELSEA
Oh, this looks like fun! How does it work?
She even taps it on her head. Victor walks over and takes it from her.
VICTOR
Ah, Chelsea...(chuckles) Let me show you. I'm a pro.
Victor takes it and looks surprised when he can get the ball to bounce anywhere except on the paddleboard. Chelsea gets confused and now believes that is what you are supposed to do.
CHELSEA
Let me try, let me try, let me try.
Chelsea takes the paddleboard from Victor. She starts hitting the ball up and down perfectly from the paddleboard...she's a natural! But does not yet know it as she thinks she is doing it wrong...
CHELSEA
Oh, this is so frustrating! I'm trying to do it like Mr. B, but the ball keeps getting in the way.
Cory looks at Chelsea with a bizarre expression. Eddie looks impressed.
EDDIE (impressed)
Hey, Chelsea, look at you go!
CHELSEA (still doesn't realize)
Man...!
Victor looks stunned.
VICTOR
Yeah, she's a natural.
CHELSEA (moaning)
You guys! Stop teasing me. It's not as easy as it looks.
EDDIE
No, you're doing it right, Chels. You're supposed to hit the ball.
CHELSEA
Oh...well, in that case, Mr. B, you stink.
VICTOR (embarrassed)
That's 'cause I broke it in for you...show off!
Victor slyly takes a box while he still has dignity and walks away. Eddie starts to plot something...
EDDIE (aside to Cory)
Hey, yo, Cory. I wonder what the world record is for this.
CORY (doesn't care)
Who cares?
EDDIE
Well, sometimes they give out prize money.
This grabs Cory's attention if anything ever did.
CORY (facing Eddie)
Money?
EDDIE (affirming)
Money.
CORY
Move, man! This just got serious!
Cory quickly shoves Eddie out of the way and runs over to the desk where the laptop is. Chelsea is still over distracted by the paddleball.
CHELSEA
Hey, you guys, how do I stop this thing?
Cory and Eddie have found the world record...
CORY (reading from screen)
Actually, Chelsea...(clears throat)...you won't be stopping for another 17 Hours and 22 minutes.
Chelsea does not seem bothered by that timeframe at all.
CHELSEA (nods)
Okay.
Eddie and Cory look pleased that the first phase of their plot has worked out.
***
Back over at Donna Cabonna's office, Raven is at Tiffany's desk reading the Secretec manual. Raven puts the book down and slowly, hopefully plugs a cord into the side of the Secretec then looks at the screen...apparently her mission has failed. She sighs. Donna walks out of her office.
DONNA (bossily)
Raven, I'm still waiting for my Secretec teleconference with Pistache.
RAVEN
Don't worry about it, Miss Donna, I'm all over it. I got it. I'm handling it.
Donna walks away a bit and Raven worriedly looks at the screen of the computer as she types away on the keyboard. A small window opens on the screen and it is a videocam of Pistache...she is wearing a black suit with a red hat and holding a scarf...she has a French accent.
PISTACHE
Hello? (waving her scarf) Bonjour!
RAVEN
Holy Moly, I got it.
PISTACHE (VO)
Is anybody there?
Donna hears the voice and comes running to the computer.
RAVEN
Actually, ah, Pistache, Donna Cabonna is coming in a second... Ahh!
Raven is violently pushed out of the seat by Donna, who replaces Raven and looks at the screen to talk with Pistache, sitting up in a dignified way.
DONNA
Oh, Pistache! (chuckles nervously) It is such an honor. Thank you so much for agreeing to do the photo-shoot for my new line of boy's clothing.
Raven gets herself to her feet and stands beside Donna.
PISTACHE
I will shoot these clothes and make them tres beautiful on one condition.
DONNA
Oh, yes, of course. Anything.
Raven takes out the note pad and gets ready to write.
PISTACHE
I will require you to fly in my models. These two amazing looking boys I discovered in a small mountain village.
DONNA
Perfect. Raven will handle all the arrangements. (Raven whispers 'Hi Pistache' and waves at the screen) Now, what are their names?
PISTACHE
Yon and Kavelt. Last name...unpronounceable.
RAVEN (taking notes)
Jose and Gefilte Fish...
Donna looks bizarrely at Raven as she has written the names wrong. Raven nods reassuringly at Donna.
RAVEN (to Pistache)
So, how do I get in touch with them? Do they have a phone number?
PISTACHE
They live in a small village of Budapragaslovakia.
RAVEN (shocked)
Bugga-hugga WHAT?!
Donna hits Raven lightly on the shoulder with disgrace.
PISTACHE
Don't worry. I will send you all the information to your Secretec. You make the arrangements. I will see you in Boston. Au revoir.
DONNA (excited)
Au revoir! Au revoir!
RAVEN (excited)
Au revoir! Au revoir!
You'd never think someone would get so excited to say goodbye...Pistache's screen minimizes and she is gone. Raven and Donna calm down.
DONNA
She's gone. (stands, happily) Oh, Raven! That was perfect. (steps down toward her office) You are the master of the Secretec. (points towards her office) Now, come on. Come help me pack.
Donna walks into her office.
RAVEN (proudly)
Oh, okay! Okay! Let me just save my work. (to herself, clicks a button on the keyboard) Yes, I am the master of the Secretec.
Raven walks down into Donna's office...but as she goes, a small window pops up on the computer screen that reads: "FILE ERROR".
COMPUTER VOICE
FILE ERROR.
Raven hears it indistinctly and turns back from Donna's office.
RAVEN (to the designers)
Did ya'll say something?
Raven looks suspiciously around as the designers seem frustrated at her through their facial expression.
***
Cory is sitting at the desk on the phone.
CORY (on phone)
Okay...all right, thank you.
He hangs up the phone and walks to the middle of the living room, where Chelsea is still hitting away at the paddleball and Eddie is holding a cup to her mouth with a straw so she can have a drink.
CORY [CONT'D]
You guys, I just got off the phone with the world-record officials. They're on their way over right now.
EDDIE
Man, Chelsea, this is gonna be so big!
CHELSEA
You think so?
EDDIE
Absolutely. They're even handing out a one thousand dollar prize.
Eddie and Cory grin.
CHELSEA
Oh, well, I don't care about the money, you guys. I've just always wanted to hold a world record.
CORY
Yeah, but it's a not a done deal yet. It seems there's one other person going for the same record.
CHELSEA (competitively)
Well bring 'em on!
CORY
Yeah, that's the attitude...(doorbell rings, Cory turns seriously to Eddie and Chelsea) There they are.
Cory walks over and answers the door. Two big men are standing there, in suits and holding clipboards.
CORY [CONT'D]
Gentlemen.
OFFICER #1
We're from the Office of World Records. Meet your competition.
The slim and small figure of Stanley walks through the middle of the two men. He is hitting a paddleball just like Chelsea while he grins away.
STANLEY
Hello, my brother.
CORY (frustrated)
STANLEY?!
Stanley walks into the living room and stands in front of Chelsea.
STANLEY (with a certain menace)
You're going down, Big Red.
Chelsea chuckles at her competition.
CHELSEA
Oh, puh-lease. It is go time.
Chelsea and Stanley face each other as they hit away on their paddleballs.
***
Now the crossover between the shows starts happening. All the way over in Boston, Raven enters through the rotating door of the Tipton Hotel and makes her way down the entrance hill. She is impressed by the atmosphere. Behind her she rolls her suitcase and holds the Secretec in her free hand.
RAVEN (to no one in particular)
Woah! Swanky!
Mr Moseby greets her as she makes her way to the main lobby hang out.
MOSEBY
Oh, thank you. We take pride in our swank. (Raven laughs) Welcome to the Tipton. Do you have a reservation?
Raven follows Moseby to the check in desk. Moseby stands behind the counter.
RAVEN (hopefully)
Actually, yes, I do. Um... I secreteced it in. (holds up the Secretec)
MOSEBY
Ah.
RAVEN
Ah...the guest is Raven Baxter. (points at herself) That's me.
Moseby looks at the computer screen for a moment and turns to Raven with some good news.
MOSEBY
Ah, yes, Raven Baxter. Have it right here.
RAVEN (excited)
You do?! You do?!
MOSEBY
Yeah.
RAVEN (excited)
It went through?!
MOSEBY
Oh, yes.
RAVEN (hopeful and enthusiastic)
Okay, okay, ready? Next one, next one. (folds her hands together, closes eyes) Donna Cabonna, that's with a C.
MOSEBY
A C. Okay. (checks it on the computer) Ah, yes, right in here.
Raven's face lights up with happiness. She screeches with excitement and disbelief.
RAVEN (high pitched, excitedly)
Oh, shut up!!
Moseby seems to be responding well to Raven's enthusiasm.
MOSEBY
Oh, checking in is so exciting!
RAVEN
Okay, next one.
MOSEBY
Mm-hmm?
RAVEN
Pistache.
MOSEBY
Pistache? This is like charades.
RAVEN (laughs nervously)
Is it?
MOSEBY
You give me something, I go, "OK".
Raven doesn't seem to care.
RAVEN
Check it out.
Moseby checks again on the screen...
MOSEBY
Yes, just checked in. Room 315.
Raven starts cheering and dancing with excitement.
RAVEN
YEAH!! Excellente.
But the news goes from good to bad...
MOSEBY
...In our Milan hotel.
RAVEN
Milan? ...Well, that's the next door one, right? Next door?
Moseby groans in a negative tone and looks disappointed for Raven.
MOSEBY
Italy.
RAVEN (looking at the Secretec)
No! No! No! OK, wait, wait, wait. Ready?
MOSEBY
Mm-hm?
RAVEN
Try, try (struggling to pronounce) Juan and... (as she cannot pronounce the names, she shows Moseby the Secretec screen nervously. He peers at it) ...Gefilte fish?
MOSEBY
Oh, that's sweet...Okay, the last name on that?
RAVEN
I...it's unpronounceable.
MOSEBY
Okay...(gets a piece of paper) Oh, yes, they sent a fax. Urgent. Says (reading) "They have not received their tickets and they're stuck in Budapragaslovakia."
Raven's face turns from worry to extreme poutiness. She whimpers and shrieks in sadness.
RAVEN
AHHHHHH!!!!
MOSEBY
Ehhh...(changing subject) Will there be anything else?
RAVEN (taking deep breaths and trying to calm herself)
Yes...I need a bellhop.
MOSEBY (cheerful, indicating for a staff member to come over)
Sure. (calling) Wade, front!
The staff member, Wade, comes over to Raven with a bellhop. She puts her suitcase on the trolley and grabs the Secretec as she herself steps on and Wade pushes it forward.
RAVEN
I ruined everything...(screaming) EVERYTHING!!
Raven hides her head in shame.
***
Raven is sitting on a lounge chair down in the lobby holding her Secretec and on the phone.
RAVEN (on phone)
Yeah, listen here, Secretec support...Um, I told my boss I knew how to use your stupid machine and now, her photographer and models are stuck halfway (emphasis) around the world! (pause) No, I don't have a question. I just...(emotionally, her face cringes up) I just need someone to cry to.
Zack and Cody walk down into the lobby, one after the other and behind Raven's seat.
ZACK
I can't believe our favorite actress is checking out today and Moseby won't even let us near her.
CODY (disappointed)
Tyler Sparks...(sighs, dreamingly) All I wanted was one autograph.
ZACK
I just wanted to smell her.
Cody looks bizarrely at Zack. Back over at Raven's seat, she is in a state of utter despair as she starts to break down into a cry of lost hope...but suddenly, she takes a deep inhale and stares on what is in front of her, transfixed as she begins to have a 'vision'... The vision takes place at the check in desk, behind where Raven is sitting. There is an attractive, blonde girl turning away from the desk as she checks out. Zack and Cody are confidently watching her as she heads for the stairs.
TYLER (on phone)
This is Tyler. Yes, I read it. It's garbage! (pause) Of course I'll do it...I mean...(she trips on her heels as she goes for the stairs) Ahhh!
Tyler falls down and screams. Zack and Cody stumble back in shock as they watch her. The vision ends. Raven worriedly snaps to attention and drops her phone as she looks over at the check in desk and sees that her vision is about to become a reality.
TYLER (on phone)
This is Tyler.
Raven gasps and runs over to where Zack and Cody are standing watching her.
TYLER
Yes, I read it. It's garbage!
RAVEN (to Zack and Cody)
You guys, put your arms out!
CODY (alarmed)
Why?
RAVEN
Just do it!
Without knowing why, Zack and Cody stretch their arms out in front of themselves.
TYLER
Of course I'll do it...(she trips as per the vision) AHH!
But this time, she falls back into the safety of Zack and Cody's arms. She stands back up and looks appreciative of what the boys have done.
TYLER (grateful)
You saved me. (gives Zack and Cody a kiss on the cheek each) Thank you.
CODY (dreamingly)
No. Thank you.
Zack leans over on Tyler and sniffs her. She looks grossed out.
TYLER
Eww.
Tyler looks back once and then walks off on her way. Zack and Cody watch her go and breath out dreamingly. Raven looks at them bizarrely.
ZACK
Hey. How did you know she was going to trip?
RAVEN (an impromptu excuse)
Sh...Don't ya'll watch the news? There's been, like, a rash of falling stars this week. It's, ah...scary.
Cody doesn't look as though he buys it, but it's certainly good enough to fool Zack's gullible mind.
ZACK
Oh, good to know.
CODY
I'm Cody, and this is Zack.
RAVEN
I'm Raven.
CODY
If there's anything we can do for you, we got your back.
RAVEN
Really? You do? Hey, do you know how to work a Secretec?
Zack and Cody burst out in nervous laughter.
ZACK
Nobody does.
Raven looks sorrowfully into the distance as the boys walk off.
***
Donna happily enters through the rotating doors and energetically walks down into the lobby.
DONNA (to no one in particular)
Oh! The Tipton! My favorite hotel.
Raven approaches Donna from the elevator.
RAVEN
Time to face the music...(as she gets closer to Donna) Oh, Miss Donna...
DONNA
Raven!
RAVEN
So, here's the...
But before Raven can tell the story, she is interrupted as a blonde woman with a microphone stands in between them and a man with a camera starts filming as he kneels in front of them.
DONNA
Oh! Oh! Not now, we're on camera.
KENDRA (to the camera)
This is Kendra Blair, with the Trendy Channel. We're here at the Tipton Hotel, covering the return of the great fashion photographer, Pistache.
Donna proudly pushes her way into the shot and leans across the microphone
DONNA
Thanks to me! (chuckles) Oh, Raven?
RAVEN (nervously, has been pushed to the side)
Yes?
DONNA
Have our incredible models arrived from Budapragaslovakia?
RAVEN
Right, about them Pradafloggen boys...
Just then, Zack and Cody come skating through the middle of the interview with their helmets on. Raven spots them and grins as she watches them go by. An idea has formed in her mind...
RAVEN
...Miss Donna?
DONNA
Mmm?
RAVEN (shyly)
Have you ever seen them?
DONNA
Of course not.
RAVEN
...Then they're here. (chuckles)
DONNA
Oh, and has Pistache arrived? I can't wait to meet her!
RAVEN (nervously at first)
Yes, me too...Um, no see, (confidently) Pistache – she's here, upstairs. And she said she's just getting her-herself together, picking out her clothes. I'm gonna go, and...
Raven walks off. The last bit of her sentence was delivered nervously. Donna smiles with a cheerful outlook.
DONNA (about Raven)
Isn't she incredible? (gasps in surprise as a Tipton staff member is suddenly beside her, chuckles as he hands her a fax and walks off after) Thank you. (reading) Oh, it's from Pist...(frightfully screaming) MILAN!!!
Donna looks at the paper with a deep, miserable expression.
DONNA (realizing she is on camera, justifying...)
Oh, I mean... Milan is so lovely this time of year. Ha ha ha.
Donna chuckles confidently as she starts to walk away from Kendra and the camera, as she is out of view of the camera her confident chuckle becomes a cry of despair. Kendra and the camera man run after her with keen interest.
***
Back over in San Francisco, at the Baxter Residence, Chelsea and Stanley are still hitting their paddleballs like mad. The officials are over at the side of the room near the window seat, while Eddie and Cory are slopped on the couch. Obviously quite a few hours have already passed.
STANLEY
I've gotta' hand it to you, Red. You know how to work that paddle.
CHELSEA
Oh, you're not so bad yourself, Stanley. I guess we're both champions.
STANLEY
You know what? Now that I think about it, maybe we should share the record.
CHELSEA (agreeing)
Yeah, I guess we both earned it.
Over on the couch, by this stage, Cory is snoring. Eddie wakes him up.
EDDIE (alarmed)
Cory! They're talking about sharing the money.
CORY (sleepily yet with determination)
Not in my house.
STANLEY (to Chelsea)
I'll tell you what. When I count to three, we'll stop.
Chelsea seems troubled at first, but then nods her approval of the idea.
CHELSEA
That sounds fair.
Eddie immediately stands up.
EDDIE (forcefully)
No! Chelsea, do not listen to him. (with desperation) When you stop, he's gonna keep going!
STANLEY (sincerely; with a hand to his heart)
I resent that, my brother. (looking Chelsea in the eye) I give you my word.
Cory is now standing.
CORY
Stanley, come on, man, you've been scamming me since the day I met you.
CHELSEA (pleadingly)
Cory, listen, I believe that people are basically good. Now, Stanley gave me his word and I'm gonna believe him.
STANLEY
I appreciate that. So we stop on three?
CHELSEA
On three.
STANLEY/CHELSEA (in unison)
One...two...three!!
Something surprising happens. Chelsea keeps on going when Stanley stops after the count to three! She yells with delight and Stanley looks down in a state of depression.
CHELSEA (laughing, triumphantly)
Ha! Gotcha' sucker!
Eddie and Cory look pleased.
EDDIE (grinning, high pitched)
Oh, Chelsea, that was so beautiful.
CORY (in Stanley's face)
Your plan got played!
STANLEY
Yeah, it did. (trying to make Chelsea guilty) I trusted you, Red. (Chelsea just looks at him without a care as she keeps hitting her paddleball) I guess the world is just a cold, cruel place. (virtually holding back tears) Enjoy the money.
Cory and Eddie couldn't be happier.
CORY (guiding Stanley away)
Man, we will.
Cory and Eddie stand at Chelsea's side as Stanley goes to a couch. The officials are behind them at this stage writing out the check...However, Chelsea's face is looking glum...it appears she is starting to feel guilty for what she has done. Slowly, as she gathers her thoughts, she stops hitting the paddleball.
CHELSEA (looking into the distance, with guilt)
What have I done?
OFFICER #1
You just set the record.
The officer hands out the check and Cory snatches it as if there's no tomorrow.
CHELSEA
But at what price?
CORY (eyeing down the check)
A thousand smackers!
OFFICER #1
Congratulations.
The officer smiles at Chelsea and embraces her on the shoulder briefly, but she does not even spare him a glance. The officers make their way out the front door. Chelsea is still staring into the distance with guilty eyes. Stanley is on a couch to the side, his plan starting to come to light...
CHELSEA
I just destroyed a young man's faith in humanity.
Eddie and Cory are so blinded by greed.
EDDIE
And restored it in two others.
Eddie and Cory start dancing on the spot with joy. Chelsea can't handle the guilt anymore. Her facial expression becomes more concerning.
CHELSEA
No. Guys, I can't do this. Look, there's only one way to wipe my conscience clean.
Chelsea snatches the prize money check from Cory's grip...he had it out in front of his chest as he looked at it...and is alarmed as it disappears. Chelsea walks over to Stanley with it.
CHELSEA [CONT'D]
Stanley, I want you to have all the money.
This changes Stanley's downer expression as he gets to his feet instantly. Eddie and Cory are not happy.
EDDIE/CORY (shouting in unison with outrage)
NO!!!
CHELSEA (annoyed with Eddie and Cory's reaction)
Yes! Now listen, Stanley was the only one who was honest. I mean, he should be rewarded for that.
Stanley takes the money from Chelsea with delight, and can barely hold back his excitement. Eddie and Cory watch with annoyance.
STANLEY
Thank you, Red. (Chelsea smiles) I guess there is good left in the world. (to Eddie and Cory) Gentlemen.
Spitefully, Stanley waves the check past Cory and Eddie's faces. They breath in a gasp as it goes past. Chelsea watches with the slightest amount of regret on her face as Stanley places the check in his front pocket.
STANLEY
It's been real.
Stanley walks out the front door with his paddleball. Cory bangs the door as he leaves.
CORY
Man!
EDDIE
No.
Chelsea paces into the middle of the living room with a satisfied smile printed all over her face. Eddie and Cory soon join her.
EDDIE (to Chelsea, frustrated)
Do you see what he just did?!
CORY
He just scammed you!
Chelsea seems oblivious to it all.
CHELSEA (cheerfully)
I don't feel scammed. I feel good. (looking at the bright side, possibly after realizing she has actually been scammed) I mean, got the title, Stanley got the money...we all got what we wanted.
CORY (angry)
We didn't get what we wanted.
CHELSEA (seriously)
No. But you got what you deserved.
Eddie and Cory stare blankly at her for a moment, as if expecting something...
CORY
...Nothing?
CHELSEA (as though it should be obvious)
Exactly. (pause) Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to set the record, behind my back.
Chelsea puts the paddleball behind her back and starts hitting away. Cory and Eddie watch her as they gather their emotions and look disappointed, yet calmed a little as they realize they have done the wrong thing.
***
The Tipton Hotel Lobby. Kendra Blair is talking to the camera as she gets ready to cover Pistache's photo-shoot.
KENDRA
Kendra Blair here, awaiting the return of the great fashion photographer, Pistache. Oh, here she comes now.
There is a small and slightly plump person walking through the rotating doors and into the hotel...dressed in black and a red tie with red lipstick and a matching red hat of some style...no, it's not Pistache...RAVEN disguised as Pistache. She is holding a scarf. Noticing the camera straight away she strikes a pose, speaking with Pistache's accent.
RAVEN
Bonjour! (walking down to Kendra) 'Ello, ello ello ello ello... Fair resear good? (chuckles, speaking paced out) All right, where does Pistache do the big shoot? (goes to walk off)
KENDRA
Ah, shouldn't we wait for Donna?
RAVEN (defensively)
NO! We do NOT wait for Do-NNA. Pistache works very quickly. (clicks) I have to go back into seclusion. (the elevator button dings) Ohh-la-la-la-la-la. (walking over to the elevator, twirling the scarf) You know what that sound means! (the elevator doors open to reveal Zack and Cody dressed up as models, hair slickly gelled back and with identical sunglasses and suits...Raven talks excitedly) IT'S ZE BOYS!
The camera films a bit of what is going on and Kendra nods. Zack and Cody step out of the elevator as the door shuts behind them and Raven talks to them in her normal voice, to the side.
RAVEN (quietly)
Thank you, Zack and Cody. (points at each of them in the wrong order as though she said)
ZACK
Actually, I'm Zack, and he's Cody.
RAVEN
Whatever. Listen: (points to Cody) You're Juan, (points to Cody), you're Gefilte. (points to Zack)
CODY
Actually, he's Juan (points to Zack) and I'm Gefilte (points to himself)
Raven is sick of the petty details. In her typical voice when she gets frustrated, she continues.
RAVEN (down-to-business)
Okay, listen, I don't want you to speak English. (starts guiding Zack and Cody roughly down towards the shoot area and where Kendra is being filmed...talking with a hushed tone) Do not speak to this woman. I better not hear a peep out of you! (waves her arms around to present Zack and Cody, resumes French accent, with energy and loudness) Oh, ze' boys! 'Ze boys! 'Ze boys!
Kendra leans down to the boys.
KENDRA (speaking slowly, so they can "understand")
How-does-it-feel-to-be-in-America?
Raven twirls her scarf around and hits it in a circular motion on Kendra.
RAVEN (suddenly interrupting, with force)
No! You may not speak to the boys. They do not speak"e" the same English as you, they speak another form of language you do not know. (to Zack and Cody) Boys! (speaking in giberrish, trying to make it sound believable) "Saba-tay, wooda-ta, zoo-zoo. Wiki-wa, fika-fika-fika-wa, tika-chika-wa-wa".
Zack and Cody are unsure as what to say in reply.
ZACK (nervous and unsure)
"Tika-tika-wa".
CODY (just as nervous)
"Tika-tika-wa-wa!"
Raven nods with a grin at the boys as though they have just communicated an understanding. She groans a strange accented sound as if to say "oh, is that so?"
RAVEN
Oh-ho-ho-ho! (changing subject) Okay, you guys. (waving her scarf) Time for the big shoot!
Raven signals for the boys to walk over towards the shoot area. Kendra watches with intrigue as Raven starts marching around with her scarf, back and forward, as Zack and Cody strike various "model" poses.
RAVEN (as she marches around)
Okay, now...we work! (indistinct words) We work, you boys, we work... I tell you boys we work... we do it, we...drop, two, three, do the drop...(bends down as though doing a dance move with her scarf)
Kendra watches and starts to suspect something strange is being played.
KENDRA (as though to think "Pistache" is an idiot)
Shouldn't you be using a camera?
Raven's face turns sour as she walks over to Kendra, probably thinking "how dare you question my methods". She picked the wrong person to question with!
RAVEN (with a certain degree of anger)
Let me tell you HOW Pistache does the genius. Listen, you take the pictures with your mind and "z"then...(shouting)...and ONLY "z"THEN...do you take out the cam-E-ra.
KENDRA (intimidated, hushed tone...)
Oh...
RAVEN (lower tone)
Where is the camera...?
Kendra smiles unsurely. Raven looks over towards the candy counter (Maddie is not on duty) and spots a disposable camera.
RAVEN (face lights up with a smile, high pitched and almost seductive tone)
Oh! Pistache sees the camera. Be back in a moment"o"...buh bye...
Zack and Cody watch from afar with narrow faces as Raven glides over to the candy counter...
RAVEN (in her normal voice, softly, to the staff member behind the candy counter)
Excuse me! Excuse me, can I get a camera?
The plan goes from bad to worse...while Raven is distracted at the candy counter, Donna comes in through the rotating doors and down to the lobby...only she too had the same idea is Raven – donned in an identical disguise, dressed up as Pistache, with the same scarf and all...they are both impersonating her now.
DONNA (walking down, with French accent and high pitch)
BONJOUR! Hello! It is Pistache!
Zack and Cody exchange worried glances as they take off their sunglasses. Kendra has been taking aside to the camera man, probably discussing whether or not the story is going anywhere...but as soon as she spots eyes on Donna, she quickly walks to her side with the microphone.
KENDRA
Wait, so you're Pistache?
Donna has not yet noticed Raven.
DONNA (chuckles nervously)
Oh, but of course. Who else would I be? Donna Cabonna? (laughs, points in a circular motion around her face) I make myself laugh, you see?
Kendra is probably beginning to suspect something is suspicious as fish.
KENDRA (anxiously)
Where is Donna?
DONNA
...Who's Donna?...(spots Zack and Cody, changing subject she walks over to them) Oh, look over here. Well, hello...(waving at Cody, then Zack) Yon and Kavelt.
CODY
Kavelt.
ZACK
Und Yon.
Raven comes walking back over from the candy counter with a disposable camera. She walks in front of the camera and does not notice Donna (Donna straight away notices and crosses her arm, looking angrily at Raven)...Zack and Cody, once again, exchange glares of despair.
RAVEN (energetically)
Oh-lah-lah! Pistache found 'ze cam-e-RA! (gets ready to take a photo of Zack and Cody) Okay, boys, smiley-smile.
Zack and Cody start pointing somewhat discreetly over towards Donna, but Raven does not take any notice.
RAVEN (snaps a photo)
Oh, 'ze pointing! Oh, 'ze pointing is so rude! It's so rude. I love it! So nasty!
Zack and Cody try other hand gestures to get Raven to look over at Donna, but no avail. They give up in the end, shrugging their arms. Kendra steps in.
KENDRA
Ah, Pistache, have you met Pistache?
RAVEN (starting to get annoyed)
There is no other Pis...(looks over and sees Donna in the same disguise)...oh, Snap!
Donna strides over to the camera and the camera-man starts filming with new intent. Raven still speaks in a French accent.
RAVEN
Okay, there is a perfect explanation for this.
DONNA
Yes, yes. And it's over there!
RAVEN
(indistinct) Wal-dus, al-mus!
Donna drags Raven aside, over towards the candy counter and far out of the camera's view or Kendra's reporter ear. From here on in, they resume talking in their normal voices.
DONNA (exasperated)
Raven?! What are you doing?!
RAVEN (worried)
I'm trying to save your butt, and then I'm gonna save my butt. What are you doing?
DONNA
I'm trying to save MY butt. I don't care about YOUR butt. (Raven looks slightly offended) Why is Pistache in Milan?
Raven realizes it is time to confess.
RAVEN (embarrassed)
Oh, right, about that...ummm...I couldn't work the Secretec.
DONNA
What?! Why didn't you tell me in the first place?
RAVEN (almost pleadingly)
Because I really, really wanted you to trust me, Miss Donna. I wanted to come to Boston. I wanted to help you with the shoot.
DONNA
What shoot?! Where? Without Pistache there is no shoot.
RAVEN (looking at the disposable camera)
I got a couple of good pictures, actually.
DONNA (exasperated)
What a mess. I'll be totally humiliated unless we have an explanation.
Raven flicks her scarf behind her shoulder.
RAVEN
OR...OR...
DONNA
Or?
RAVEN
We run.
Donna realizes there is nothing else left to do, so she and Raven run quickly and head for the front door of the hotel...but suddenly...
RAVEN
Watch out, Pistache!
The real Pistache has entered and is walking through the middle of the two impersonators. She has a camera hanging from her neck and looks intimidated as Raven and Donna stop in their tracks for a moment and then turn back...confused. Raven looks her over then declares:
RAVEN
Pistache is here!
PISTACHE (about Raven and Donna, offended)
And what is this? (to Donna) And this? Are you here to mock me?
DONNA
We-we don't mock. No, no. I am Donna Cabonna, and this is my assistant, Raven.
Raven says 'no' a couple of times under her breath, worried...Kendra is over with the microphone.
RAVEN
(introducing herself) Raven Baxter, hi. We're just dressed like you to...to...(thinking of an impromptu excuse)...HONOR your great genius.
DONNA
Ah yeah, that's what we're doing.
RAVEN
Exactly what we're doing.
PISTACHE
This I can understand. If I were not me I would want to be me too.
Raven and Donna chuckle.
DONNA
Oh, touché.
RAVEN
Okay, here's a question: how did you make it so fast from Milan?
PISTACHE (quickly and cheekily)
Oh, I chartered an outrageously expensive private jet and I charged it to Miss Donna Cabonna. I am sure she will not mind.
DONNA (forced smile, through gritted teeth)
Oh yeah, no...no problem at all...
Donna gives Raven the evil eye. They continue to talk and Kendra follows Pistache as she walks over and inspects "the models"...Zack and Cody look worried as she reaches out for them.
PISTACHE
This...is not Yon...and Kavelt.
DONNA (in Raven's face)
Raven, you're fired!
RAVEN
Yeah, 'kinda figured.
PISTACHE
...They are even better!
Zack and Cody smile.
DONNA
Raven, you're re-hired!
RAVEN
Sweet!
PISTACHE (to Zack and Cody)
Strike a pose. (and they do so) Okay, turn a little, please...yeah. (they turn a little) Turn a little more. Yeah, turn a little more, please...
Zack and Cody try to turn and put their faces into the shot, but Raven and Donna gesture for them to turn around in full.
CODY (looking back)
But...you can't even see our faces.
PISTACHE
Exactement. That is the genius of...(looking seductively at the camera on side) Pistache.
Raven and Donna cheer from the background.
RAVEN
Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. It's amazing. It's amazing.
Pistache takes various of shots of Zack and Cody in their different poses. Raven and Donna applaud.
RAVEN
It's brilliant.
Raven turns away as she has a vision. Back over in Sanfransico, Donna is behind her desk sitting and looking in a newspaper.
DONNA (happily)
Well, Raven, thanks to this ad, our new boys' line is a huge hit. (shows the ad with Zack and Cody's backs – reads "Donna Cabonna" for boys).
Raven jumps back to attention in the present. Donna is looking cheerfully at the shoot.
DONNA
I think this is gonna work.
RAVEN (with a HUGE smile)
I know it is.
Pistache stops taking photos.
PISTACHE
I got it. (Zack and Cody turn around) And now...we dance!
RAVEN/DONNA
Oh! Oh?!
Pistache shuffles around with her scarf and they all start dancing, even Kendra. They are having a good old time, making various noises and laughing with delight.
***
The next morning, Raven walks over to the check in desk with her Secretec. Mr Moseby is behind the desk.
MOSEBY
Oh, checking out? I hope you enjoyed your stay at the Tipton Hotel.
RAVEN
Yes, everything was great. I just have to get back to San Francisco on my 9.00 flight. So, could you...(indicates for Moseby to hurry up)
MOSEBY
Oh, yes. 9.00 tonight.
RAVEN (keeping smile)
No...no, this-this morning. (looking at her Secretec) It's 7.00, right?
MOSEBY
No, it's 10.
Raven's face suddenly turns sour.
RAVEN (worriedly)
Huh? No!
MOSEBY
Yes.
RAVEN (showing Moseby the Secretec)
No, it's not, no, look! No, no, no! I set the alarm on my Secretec. I thought I finally figured it out.
MOSEBY
Oh, well...obviously you haven't.
Raven looks sad. She hits the bell on the desk and a bellhop comes over. She jumps on.
RAVEN
Room 732.
She is pushed away towards the elevator again.
MOSEBY (calling after)
Would you like a wake-up call for tomorrow?
RAVEN (VO)
Yes please!
Moseby laughs to himself and looks back down at some paperwork.
***
That's So Raven © Walt Disney. No infringement intended through the transcription of this episode originally written by Edward C. Evans & Al Sonja Rice (teleplay) / Michael Carrington (story)
